Lost and Found

How do souls get lost?

Maybe, like mine, they’ve felt like they’ve always been.  There’s always been some critical piece missing, and if only that piece were returned to me, my world would expand with a sense of completeness, and my soul would rejoice.

And it isn’t that I haven’t been very active in the search for that…thing…the “whatever” it is that makes a soul feel whole and found again.  I suppose those in my life might label me a “searcher”.  Sure would like to become a “finder”.

Please don’t suggest that I just have to know God or Jesus, or buy into some religious belief system.  These tidbits of advice aren’t helpful to me.

You see, I DO know God.  On many levels.  I have participated in numerous rituals, engaged several religions fully, and struggled through research of a variety of additional spiritual belief systems in hopes that I would find what made me feel like I was complete and at peace to no avail.

I’ve strengthened numerous metaphysical and psychic skills and learned different healing arts, which I then shared (and continue to share) with those in my world. I’ve engaged demonic extraction and soul retrieval with different shamans in my life.

I’ve tried regular counseling for depression.  My first counselor was so shocked by my first appointment profile that she was surprised I was normal at all.  (Apparently I’ve had my share of challenges.)  But it’s never felt like depression.  I’ve felt that.  This feels…different.

Work has provided some spiritual comfort for a while (I’m a good little Cappy girl and as anyone with Cap in major areas of your chart knows work is a good start for distraction), but it only satisfies the spirit for a while.  I’ve used different sports, and body arts (such as yoga), and known a diverse group of people, but still haven’t found where my soul feels safe and free to be what it really is.  Something’s missing.  Still.  Even with several soul retrievals (all of which provided inexplicable healing for me) that pinnacle piece has never been returned.  I still feel so very lonely in a magnificent, magical world of wonderful people.

Maybe it seems odd that I would bother to continue to search, that giving up and succumbing to emptiness would be easier, but the ache to find my way is so painful sometimes that finding the motivation to do anything different is, well, impossible.  I’ve almost become obsessed with the idea of wholeness.

Please, don’t misunderstand.  I am not complaining about my life, which in most cases is rich and blessed.  I have a myriad of resources and more beautiful, soulful and spiritually generous folks in my world than I can even account for at the moment.  Thank you to every last one of them.

I am gratefully fortunate for everything I am and have in my life.

It’s just…I’m still lost with pieces missing.  Pieces that might help me find my way and stop me from being in the lonely that I sit in daily, regardless of the crowd of wonderful surrounding me.

There’s an itch to move forward.  To focus what power lies within and to make a positive difference on this planet that is tangible not just to me, but to the benefit of everyone.  Yet, I feel tethered to the darkness, unable to shake free completely.

I wrote all of this as a journal entry today, after my daily meditation, but then realized that I might not be alone.  That maybe you know exactly how I feel and that I should post this.  And if you do feel my pain, maybe you know where to look for the missing chunks of a soul gone AWOL and can help all of us others find our way, too.

Then again, maybe you’re as stuck as I am in the lonely.  Know this: at least we’re lonely together, and that’s gotta be something better than stuck in the lonely alone, right?  A way to share our gratefulness for our love and blessings while keeping our hope of finding an escape hatch afloat perhaps?

Just some things to think about anyway.

Yours on the journey…

:)k